Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
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How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”