how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
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I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.