Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
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Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
We’re all getting idioter.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?