If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
You Might Also Like
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee