@curlycomedy: [Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”...?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
@curlycomedy: When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
@curlycomedy: If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
@curlycomedy: People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
@curlycomedy: The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
@curlycomedy: White people don't dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the "Woo!" at the end of a song.
@curlycomedy: You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
@curlycomedy: I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, "We're all so very, very rich."