@curlycomedy

You have to appreciate the microwave when the directions on a frozen meal say, “Cook on High for 2 minutes. Or put it in a conventional oven for five days.”

@curlycomedy

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

@curlycomedy

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

@curlycomedy

Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.

@curlycomedy

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.