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Page of curlycomedy's best tweets

@curlycomedy : Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.

@curlycomedy: [Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”...?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

@curlycomedy: When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

@curlycomedy: If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

@curlycomedy: People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

@curlycomedy: The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

@curlycomedy: White people don't dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the "Woo!" at the end of a song.

@curlycomedy: You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

@curlycomedy: When I say, "No problem," I mean, "YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER."

@curlycomedy: I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, "We're all so very, very rich."