This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
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Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
At least try to make it slightly believable
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Great game to play with friends
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
That’s it.I’m out.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences