15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
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The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
watergate? u mean a dam??
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Gods work.