[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
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Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity