I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
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Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Cause of death: Zumba
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.