It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
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HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did