How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
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“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
He died doing what he loved: being alive
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?