[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
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I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder