If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
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A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
What’s so funny?
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
what’s more important?
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness