Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
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I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
This is my favorite one of these!
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
That was easy.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?