ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
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Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this