This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
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My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Otters see a butterfly.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”