13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
You Might Also Like
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on