[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
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[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not