her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
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[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.