I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
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I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong