I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
You Might Also Like
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
There’s only one good girl here!
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.