Dealer: …and this car comes with a back up camera.
Me: Cool, Where’s the main camera?
Dealer: No, there’s just one camera; for backing up.
Me: Ah yes, *nodding* to the cloud.
Robber: Nothin. Looks like someone’s been here before us.
Robber2: Ya, and they sure trashed the place.
Me *from under bed*: Maybe he’s just been busy.
Any speed can be ‘breakneck’ speed if you’re clumsy enough.
Me: I treat my body like a temple. *Leaves body in mexican jungle for 500 years*
Me: Cool car. I like the heated seats but they almost make it feel like I peed my pants. Lol
Her: It doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: I have peed my pants.
Neighbor: Hey I’m sick of your dog doing his business on my lawn.
Me: Ok, sorry. *Walks over to my dog’s lawn lemonade stand* Hey, I told you it has to be on our lawn.
Enviromentalists: How can we stop the rising oceans?
Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism): Pull all those big whales out.
Wife: No one’s ever gunna buy your hip hop cooking album. Get a job! *sweeps my papers off the kitchen counter *
Me: MY RECIBEATS!
*baby crying on plane*
Guy beside me: Can there be anything worse then a baby crying on a plane.
Me *pulling out kazoo*: Let’s find out.
First day as waiter
Boss: Can you clear table 5?
Me: Well I haven’t done track and field since high school but. *runs at table..