“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
You Might Also Like
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs