@daddydoubts: Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

@daddydoubts: Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

@daddydoubts: Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

@daddydoubts: Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

@daddydoubts: My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

@daddydoubts: Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just....I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

@daddydoubts: Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

@daddydoubts: My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.

@daddydoubts: Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.