@daddydoubts: Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
@daddydoubts: Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
@daddydoubts: Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: no thank you.
@daddydoubts: Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
@daddydoubts: My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
@daddydoubts: Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just....I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
@daddydoubts: Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
@daddydoubts: My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
@daddydoubts: Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.