Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.


Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.


My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue


Me: what was your best day ever?

3yo: today!

Me: awww awesome. And what was your worst day ever?

3yo: today.

Me: but I thought today was your best day ever.

3yo: that was before you started asking so many questions.


3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.


My toddler and I have an ongoing contest where I try to prove I’m a good dad and he tries to prove me wrong.


Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”


My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.