If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.


God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.


Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.


Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.


My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.


Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.


Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.


My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue