@daddydoubts

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

@daddydoubts

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

@daddydoubts

Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.

@daddydoubts

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

@daddydoubts

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

@daddydoubts

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.

@daddydoubts

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

@daddydoubts

My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue