@daddydoubts
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
@daddydoubts
@daddydoubts
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
@daddydoubts
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
@daddydoubts
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
@daddydoubts
[loud crash]
Toddlers: NOTHING
@daddydoubts
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
@daddydoubts
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
@daddydoubts
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
@daddydoubts
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
@daddydoubts
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue