@daddydoubts: Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just....I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

@daddydoubts: Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

@daddydoubts: My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.

@daddydoubts: Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

@daddydoubts: Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

@daddydoubts: Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

@daddydoubts: New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

@daddydoubts: My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

@daddydoubts: Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.