Me: what was your best day ever?
Me: awww awesome. And what was your worst day ever?
Me: but I thought today was your best day ever.
3yo: that was before you started asking so many questions.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
My toddler and I have an ongoing contest where I try to prove I’m a good dad and he tries to prove me wrong.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!