Me: what was your best day ever?

3yo: today!

Me: awww awesome. And what was your worst day ever?

3yo: today.

Me: but I thought today was your best day ever.

3yo: that was before you started asking so many questions.


3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.


My toddler and I have an ongoing contest where I try to prove I’m a good dad and he tries to prove me wrong.


Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”


My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.


My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth


Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.


Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again


3yo: dad I’m swimming!

Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!

3yo: I keep drinking the water!

Me: I know don’t drink the water!

3yo: I just drank more of the water!

Me: please stop drinking the water!

3yo: my belly hurts!