Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.