My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.


God: Come see this.

Angel: What is it?

God: It’s the human lifespan.

Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!

God: Fun right? Watch this.

Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?

God: I call it, 35.


*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.


Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.


New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.


My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.


My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.