[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
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I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka