When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.