I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
You Might Also Like
english majors be like furthermore
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property