People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.


My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.


my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.


me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.


me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]

[Bed time]

Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!


me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God


7: [eating a bunch]


7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.


me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!


me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??


guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.