Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
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I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Extremely relatable.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Just parrot things
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop