
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Until you learn how to hate yourself, you’ll never be able to truly hate anyone else.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.