Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of dadopotamus's best tweets

@dadopotamus : Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

@dadopotamus: Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

@dadopotamus: Until you learn how to hate yourself, you’ll never be able to truly hate anyone else.

@dadopotamus: A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

@dadopotamus: A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

@dadopotamus: “Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

@dadopotamus: A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.

They did it with a straight face too.

@dadopotamus: “What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

@dadopotamus: My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.