@dadopotamus

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

@dadopotamus

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

@dadopotamus

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

@dadopotamus

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

@dadopotamus

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

@dadopotamus

Until you learn how to hate yourself, you’ll never be able to truly hate anyone else.

@dadopotamus

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

@dadopotamus

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

@dadopotamus

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.