@dadopotamus
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
@dadopotamus
@dadopotamus
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
@dadopotamus
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
@dadopotamus
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
@dadopotamus
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
@dadopotamus
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
@dadopotamus
Until you learn how to hate yourself, you’ll never be able to truly hate anyone else.
@dadopotamus
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
@dadopotamus
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
@dadopotamus
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.