babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
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The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.