We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
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date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Some people were born into their job.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.