2020 is every Nic Cage movie, without Nic Cage.
Me: God give me inner peace.
Me: Um, this is bubble wrap.
God: What you do with it is upto you.
3yo: I need to pee!
Me: Well, go then!
3yo: *goes toward bathroom, but stops halfway* I can’t hold it!
Me: Then go!
3yo: *goes in bathroom, comes right back out with pants around ankle* I’m not going to make it!
“Why is my heart palpitating?”
-Me, after chasing a pint of ice cream and a hamburger with Death Wish coffee.
“You’re just like me, trash!”
-My toddler, quoting Toy Story 4 completely out of context, to random strangers
God: It’s called the violin.
Angel: Does it sound good.
God: Oh yes, if you play it perfectly after a lifetime of practice.
Angel: What if they haven’t mastered it yet?
God: A screeching horror that’ll make your balls bleed.
Angel: No middle ground?
God: BLEEDING BALLS.
If you haven’t nervously googled “signs that your child is a psychopath” are you even a parent?
Don’t say “zoinks” during sex unless it’s spooky.