Scientist: This new field is all about forecasting weather. What should we call it? Weatherology?
Other Scientist: Meteorology.
Other Scientist: *huge bong rip* Meteors.
you’re on step fourteen of sixteen assembling the couch. alas, you used the wrong screw on step three. to rectify this, you must disassemble not only the couch, but your entire house, atom by atom, and reassemble it perfectly to both ikea’s and god’s specifications.
I used to think nudism was weird. Then I started doing my own laundry.
Before kids: I’ll never lie to my children.
With kids: Eating candy after dark makes you poop spiders.
My kid says “absolutely” in every sentence. She never just “wears pants.” She’s “absolutely wearing pants.” She’s “absolutely eating cereal.” She “absolutely peed on the couch.”
When I’m being productive, I put off a productivity pheromone that my toddler can smell & it makes her suddenly crave my undivided attention.
life insurance is cool because for a small monthly fee you can be worth more dead than alive. and your family knows it.
british people see you with toast & are all “i love jinglewhammy hammy slammies! try it with a molly tosser & some clangy bangies on the side! i’m knackered!”
it’s orange colored. call it an orange. these berries are blue. blueberries. *hits bong* and these here berries are very straw.
2020 is every Nic Cage movie, without Nic Cage.