@dadthatwrites

Me: God give me inner peace.

God: Here.

Me: Um, this is bubble wrap.

God: What you do with it is upto you.

@dadthatwrites

3yo: I need to pee!

Me: Well, go then!

3yo: *goes toward bathroom, but stops halfway* I can’t hold it!

Me: Then go!

3yo: *goes in bathroom, comes right back out with pants around ankle* I’m not going to make it!

@dadthatwrites

“Why is my heart palpitating?”

-Me, after chasing a pint of ice cream and a hamburger with Death Wish coffee.

@dadthatwrites

“You’re just like me, trash!”
-My toddler, quoting Toy Story 4 completely out of context, to random strangers

@dadthatwrites

God: It’s called the violin.

Angel: Does it sound good.

God: Oh yes, if you play it perfectly after a lifetime of practice.

Angel: What if they haven’t mastered it yet?

God: A screeching horror that’ll make your balls bleed.

Angel: No middle ground?

God: BLEEDING BALLS.

@dadthatwrites

If you haven’t nervously googled “signs that your child is a psychopath” are you even a parent?