@dadthatwrites

Scientist: This new field is all about forecasting weather. What should we call it? Weatherology?

Other Scientist: Meteorology.

Scientist: But–

Other Scientist: *huge bong rip* Meteors.

@dadthatwrites

you’re on step fourteen of sixteen assembling the couch. alas, you used the wrong screw on step three. to rectify this, you must disassemble not only the couch, but your entire house, atom by atom, and reassemble it perfectly to both ikea’s and god’s specifications.

@dadthatwrites

I used to think nudism was weird. Then I started doing my own laundry.

@dadthatwrites

Before kids: I’ll never lie to my children.

With kids: Eating candy after dark makes you poop spiders.

@dadthatwrites

My kid says “absolutely” in every sentence. She never just “wears pants.” She’s “absolutely wearing pants.” She’s “absolutely eating cereal.” She “absolutely peed on the couch.”

@dadthatwrites

When I’m being productive, I put off a productivity pheromone that my toddler can smell & it makes her suddenly crave my undivided attention.

@dadthatwrites

life insurance is cool because for a small monthly fee you can be worth more dead than alive. and your family knows it.

@dadthatwrites

british people see you with toast & are all “i love jinglewhammy hammy slammies! try it with a molly tosser & some clangy bangies on the side! i’m knackered!”

@dadthatwrites

[naming fruits]

it’s orange colored. call it an orange. these berries are blue. blueberries. *hits bong* and these here berries are very straw.