Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
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step 6: release the wall snake
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Worst perfume name ever.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
good morning