[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body
[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood
[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
[guy who’s about to invent croutons]
*eating salad* i wish this hurt
interviewer: you’re late
me: oh for me? thanks [grabs his coffee and takes sip] but it’s pronounced “latte”
them: we’re offering you a job at the hospital in our new ward
me: omg really?!? which one
me: aw dang i thought you were serious 🙁
everyone: GLOBAL TEMPERATURES ARE RISING
earth: *sticks one foot out from under the covers*
me: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no i have cancer
wife: don’t listen to webMD go to a real doctor
me: well doc, what is it?
doctor: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no you have cancer
my thoughts based on your zodiac symbol