me: do you know why i have an irrational fear of wedding ceremonies

therapist: i do

me: *screams in absolute horror*


them (dumb idoits): remember to drink 8 glasses of water each day

me (smart person of scionce): remember to drink 16 glasses of H and 8 glasses of O each day


me: [being mauled to death by a werewolf] lol he probably smells my dog


[sperm bank]

clinician: any questions before becoming a potential donor?

me: yes, why is it called a “sperm donation” and not a “payload”

clinician: *writing notes* ok so you are definitely dad material


wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: oh my god! [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!


professor x: whats your mutant power

me: i can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try [points up] 2 pulls

professor x: [stands up and pulls twice] not bad, but not a power

me: i’m kidding, i can heal paraplegics

professor x: [still standing] holy shit


[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked


[1st date]

date: you have any hobbies?

me: i collect old comics

date: oh like first editions?

me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure


[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]


me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked