me: do you know why i have an irrational fear of wedding ceremonies
therapist: i do
me: *screams in absolute horror*
them (dumb idoits): remember to drink 8 glasses of water each day
me (smart person of scionce): remember to drink 16 glasses of H and 8 glasses of O each day
me: [being mauled to death by a werewolf] lol he probably smells my dog
clinician: any questions before becoming a potential donor?
me: yes, why is it called a “sperm donation” and not a “payload”
clinician: *writing notes* ok so you are definitely dad material
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok let’s start tomorrow
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: oh my god! [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
professor x: whats your mutant power
me: i can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try [points up] 2 pulls
professor x: [stands up and pulls twice] not bad, but not a power
me: i’m kidding, i can heal paraplegics
professor x: [still standing] holy shit
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body
[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood
[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked