@daemonic3

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

@daemonic3

[1st date]

date: you have any hobbies?

me: i collect old comics

date: oh like first editions?

me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure

@daemonic3

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

@daemonic3

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

@daemonic3

[guy who’s about to invent croutons]

*eating salad* i wish this hurt

@daemonic3

[job interview]

interviewer: you’re late

me: oh for me? thanks [grabs his coffee and takes sip] but it’s pronounced “latte”

@daemonic3

them: we’re offering you a job at the hospital in our new ward

me: omg really?!? which one

them: psych

me: aw dang i thought you were serious 🙁

@daemonic3

everyone: GLOBAL TEMPERATURES ARE RISING

earth: *sticks one foot out from under the covers*

@daemonic3

me: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no i have cancer

wife: don’t listen to webMD go to a real doctor

[later]

me: well doc, what is it?

doctor: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no you have cancer

@daemonic3

my thoughts based on your zodiac symbol

aquarius♒:¯_(ツ)_/¯
pisces♓:¯_(ツ)_/¯
aries♈:¯_(ツ)_/¯
taurus♉:¯_(ツ)_/¯
gemini♊:¯_(ツ)_/¯
cancer♋: NICE
leo♌:¯_(ツ)_/¯
virgo♍:¯_(ツ)_/¯
libra♎:¯_(ツ)_/¯
scorpio♏:¯_(ツ)_/¯
sagittarius♐:¯_(ツ)_/¯
capricorn♑:¯_(ツ)_/¯