@daemonic3: [job interview]
interviewer: you're late
me: oh for me? thanks [grabs his coffee and takes sip] but it's pronounced "latte"
@daemonic3: them: we're offering you a job at the hospital in our new ward
me: omg really?!? which one
me: aw dang i thought you were serious :(
@daemonic3: everyone: GLOBAL TEMPERATURES ARE RISING
earth: *sticks one foot out from under the covers*
@daemonic3: me: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no i have cancer
wife: don't listen to webMD go to a real doctor
me: well doc, what is it?
doctor: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no you have cancer
@daemonic3: my thoughts based on your zodiac symbol
@daemonic3: wife: if i ever hear you say "teethbrush" again I'm leaving you, no one cares that it should be plural
me: sure, sounds great!
wife: you don't even care?
me: oh did you say something? [takes out earbuds] i was talking on my blueteeth
@daemonic3: [watching avengers endgame when Thanos first appears on screen]
me: [whispers to girlfriend] that's Thermos
@daemonic3: daughter: dad can we go see frozen 2
me: frozen to what lol
daughter: dad i'm serious!
me: hi serious, i'm dad hahaha just kidding, what's it about
daughter: it's about 2 hours lmao
@daemonic3: [clothing store]
me: can you help estimate what size i am? my deceased wife used to buy all my shirts for me
employee: i recommend a medium
me: ok do you know any good ones?