@daemonic3

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

@daemonic3

[guy who’s about to invent croutons]

*eating salad* i wish this hurt

@daemonic3

[job interview]

interviewer: you’re late

me: oh for me? thanks [grabs his coffee and takes sip] but it’s pronounced “latte”

@daemonic3

them: we’re offering you a job at the hospital in our new ward

me: omg really?!? which one

them: psych

me: aw dang i thought you were serious 🙁

@daemonic3

everyone: GLOBAL TEMPERATURES ARE RISING

earth: *sticks one foot out from under the covers*

@daemonic3

me: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no i have cancer

wife: don’t listen to webMD go to a real doctor

[later]

me: well doc, what is it?

doctor: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no you have cancer

@daemonic3

my thoughts based on your zodiac symbol

aquarius♒:¯_(ツ)_/¯
pisces♓:¯_(ツ)_/¯
aries♈:¯_(ツ)_/¯
taurus♉:¯_(ツ)_/¯
gemini♊:¯_(ツ)_/¯
cancer♋: NICE
leo♌:¯_(ツ)_/¯
virgo♍:¯_(ツ)_/¯
libra♎:¯_(ツ)_/¯
scorpio♏:¯_(ツ)_/¯
sagittarius♐:¯_(ツ)_/¯
capricorn♑:¯_(ツ)_/¯

@daemonic3

wife: if i ever hear you say “teethbrush” again I’m leaving you, no one cares that it should be plural

me: sure, sounds great!

wife: you don’t even care?

me: oh did you say something? [takes out earbuds] i was talking on my blueteeth

@daemonic3

[watching avengers endgame when Thanos first appears on screen]

me: [whispers to girlfriend] that’s Thermos

@daemonic3

daughter: dad can we go see frozen 2

me: frozen to what lol

daughter: dad i’m serious!

me: hi serious, i’m dad hahaha just kidding, what’s it about

daughter: it’s about 2 hours lmao