me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
[guy who’s about to invent croutons]
*eating salad* i wish this hurt
interviewer: you’re late
me: oh for me? thanks [grabs his coffee and takes sip] but it’s pronounced “latte”
them: we’re offering you a job at the hospital in our new ward
me: omg really?!? which one
me: aw dang i thought you were serious 🙁
everyone: GLOBAL TEMPERATURES ARE RISING
earth: *sticks one foot out from under the covers*
me: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no i have cancer
wife: don’t listen to webMD go to a real doctor
me: well doc, what is it?
doctor: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no you have cancer
my thoughts based on your zodiac symbol
wife: if i ever hear you say “teethbrush” again I’m leaving you, no one cares that it should be plural
me: sure, sounds great!
wife: you don’t even care?
me: oh did you say something? [takes out earbuds] i was talking on my blueteeth
[watching avengers endgame when Thanos first appears on screen]
me: [whispers to girlfriend] that’s Thermos
daughter: dad can we go see frozen 2
me: frozen to what lol
daughter: dad i’m serious!
me: hi serious, i’m dad hahaha just kidding, what’s it about
daughter: it’s about 2 hours lmao