[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
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Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.