New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.