You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
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Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?