Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
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ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70