Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
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John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.