Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
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I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I’m listening
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.