I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
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My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.