I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
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There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*