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My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.