The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
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Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.