Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
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me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
HERE’S MARKY
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.