Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
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[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
also my go-to takeaway order
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
“Theirye’re” problem solved
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Tell the colonel to bring it
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
nature’s most graceful animal
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.