Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
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Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.