Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
That’s me in the pantry. That’s me in the bright light, eating my Doritos.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Me: that’s it
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.