@dancingchimera

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

@dancingchimera

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

@dancingchimera

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

@dancingchimera

That’s me in the pantry. That’s me in the bright light, eating my Doritos.

@dancingchimera

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

@dancingchimera

Doctor: how did you hurt your back?

Me: well, I was lying in bed …

Doctor: and?

Me: that’s it

@dancingchimera

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

@dancingchimera

Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!

Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.